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[personal profile] anansi133
Living in chronic anxiety for many years, has left me obsessed with all things having to do with my edges, my perimeter, the protein coat that identifies me as friend or foe within the body politic.

Today I'm asking myself a strange new question: Where is my center?

And... not just where is it, but where is it *right* *now* ? Because I have clear memories of belief in my center in my 20s, in my 30s.... and of being disastrously mistaken in those times.

Not just now, but also- in opposition to where I expect to find my center. I know where I'd like my center to be, I have a clear image of the sort of person I'd always thought I'd become. But that's an alluring projection. Wishful thinking. My true center is equidistant from all my edges. And my edges are much more convoluted than I ever wanted them to be.

 I suppose it's another version of what the character of Deloras is trying to find when she walks the maze. It's going to be a surprise to her, no matter how many times she finds it. And if she's truly capable of changing and growing over time, than the center of her maze will be in a different spot every time she finds it.

It is of course possible to achieve things without knowing where one's center of gravity is. Lifting with the back is (in some ways) more intuitive, more flexible, quicker than lifting with the legs. It's just the idea that one might need to be able to do it again in the future, that's where the advantages of doing it more slowly come into play.

 I think of dancers and martial artists constantly referring back to their center, it's the reference point from which all action should emanate. An opponent who doesn't know where their center is is easy to topple. A dance partner who doesn't know where their center is, is unreliable. They're likely to drop you.

 So, looking at the chaos outside, the regrets and hand-wringing and worry and accusations, it seems like the rest of the country has gotten a fresh look at itself in the last three months, ans we don't like what we're seeing. Yet, it's *still* all perimeter, all surface stuff at this point. The country hasn't really changes much at all in this time, it's just that our self image does not match what we're seeing reflected back at us.

As much as this hurts -and boy howdie, does it hurt!- there's also a tremendous sense of anticipation! If smart is better than dumb, if good is better than evil, if light is better than shadow, what might become possible if the best part of ourselves could get out of its own way? I am very much looking forward to the answer to this question.

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anansi133

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