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architecture of defeat
Jul. 23rd, 2013 09:58 amThe relocation began in may, three months ago. It is not finished. Panic is constantly at the edge of my awareness.
This morning I finally decided that *any* sort of activity would be good for me, never mind how trivial. So I went through a box of papers, and threw away about half of the volume, quickly noticing what was in the keeper pile.
A long chain of relocations.... many many addresses from what I'd come to think of as former lives. It helped me remember what is different about this move in particular:
1) it wasn't my fault. the family blowup was not because of a bad decision on my part. it's prompted a fresh definition of sanity: the attempt to gracefully endure those wrong things which are not my fault, yet somehow are still my responsibility.
2) An unusually long stretch of stability. 5 years with one family is a long time for me. long enough so my mind doesn't immediately drop back to the state it was in before I moved in with them in the first place.
3) A piece of the family persists this time. I've inherited Ollie the 13 year old standard poodle. He's utterly dependent on me for his well being, and I'm (so far) not a very good dog owner. But I aspire to be. Meanwhile he struggles to adapt to my mistakes, just as I did with my mom.
4) The September epiphany hasn't gone away. I won't let it. A whole nother post about that one, but in a nutshell I discovered what mercy and/or grace feels like from the inside. Life wants to have a deeper meaning since then, and I have to stay alive long enough for it to realize that potential. So this relocation *matters*, because it frames the kind of person I am struggling to become.
5) Shame is like an invisible companion whispering bad ideas into my ear constantly. Like the supporting cast of _A Beautiful Mind_, I don't know how to make it go away, I only know how not to take its bad advice.
6) there is no rule 6. there is just a fuckton of tasks to accomplish, and here I am nattering into my computer. Hopefully there will be a moment when this move can be said to be over, and I will have something really wise and clever to say about it then. Till then, I'm not just responsible for my life, I'm responsible for Ollie's as well.
This morning I finally decided that *any* sort of activity would be good for me, never mind how trivial. So I went through a box of papers, and threw away about half of the volume, quickly noticing what was in the keeper pile.
A long chain of relocations.... many many addresses from what I'd come to think of as former lives. It helped me remember what is different about this move in particular:
1) it wasn't my fault. the family blowup was not because of a bad decision on my part. it's prompted a fresh definition of sanity: the attempt to gracefully endure those wrong things which are not my fault, yet somehow are still my responsibility.
2) An unusually long stretch of stability. 5 years with one family is a long time for me. long enough so my mind doesn't immediately drop back to the state it was in before I moved in with them in the first place.
3) A piece of the family persists this time. I've inherited Ollie the 13 year old standard poodle. He's utterly dependent on me for his well being, and I'm (so far) not a very good dog owner. But I aspire to be. Meanwhile he struggles to adapt to my mistakes, just as I did with my mom.
4) The September epiphany hasn't gone away. I won't let it. A whole nother post about that one, but in a nutshell I discovered what mercy and/or grace feels like from the inside. Life wants to have a deeper meaning since then, and I have to stay alive long enough for it to realize that potential. So this relocation *matters*, because it frames the kind of person I am struggling to become.
5) Shame is like an invisible companion whispering bad ideas into my ear constantly. Like the supporting cast of _A Beautiful Mind_, I don't know how to make it go away, I only know how not to take its bad advice.
6) there is no rule 6. there is just a fuckton of tasks to accomplish, and here I am nattering into my computer. Hopefully there will be a moment when this move can be said to be over, and I will have something really wise and clever to say about it then. Till then, I'm not just responsible for my life, I'm responsible for Ollie's as well.
